(no subject)

[lostonlifesroad]

Characters: Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Itachi
Status: Closed
Summary: Kakashi waited too long, concerning himself with everyone else, but not his own well-being. Now too many sleepless nights have added up, and Itachi's about to find him on the brink.
Location: Deep in the ruins.
Warnings: NC-17. Will update as necessary with specifics.

Drip. Drip.

The smallest sound, yet it echoed in Kakashi's mind like a scream. The cries of the dead, the blood slowly creeping across his kunai. All accused him, rightfully so, pointed out his failure to protect the village and the people he loved, because in the end, even being trash could only be an aspiration. Kakashi had heard them over the past days and nights, whispering over the words of the ninja, then more, until they'd turned to flesh, solid and whole (except for the pieces their enemies had ripped away), and undeniable.

He couldn't deny them. He wouldn't dare.

Everything had come to this, pressed impossibly heavy on Kakashi's shoulders, whipping his back until he had fled (and he was good at that, oh yes, running from the comrades he should have tried to save,) into the ruins, into solitude away from the people who weren't born of his guilt, but still punished by his actions, his failures. Oh, some traces of his rational mind remained, just enough to recognize the illusions as thus, but that only made it worse. Because Kakashi had been warned of the insanity, and still, he neglected it, covered time with a veil of good intentions until he couldn't look any of his friends in the face without seeing blood and gore, brains leaking from cracked skulls, broken jaws struggling to demand answers.

Why, Kakashi? Why did you let this happen?

But now he sat alone, lost within decaying buildings and his own thoughts. Even the phantoms had fled, but not before giving him a task. Penance, that had been their word. Penance and prevention, because how could someone washed in as much blood as Kakashi truly be qualified to lead? How can you be Hokage if you can't even save one friend? Naruto's words, sharp as a knife planted through his heart and twisted, turned and Kakashi only gasped, keeping the agony in. Death would save them. His death, to save everyone Kakashi loved from another mistake, a bad choice, scum lower than scum. His fingers trembled as they worked away the soaked cloth from over his left eye--Obito's eye, weeping for the meaninglessness of the sacrifice. Yet the kunai, that he held steady, for in his mind he could already see and already hear the blood soaking it, steadily dripping to the ground in a final apology.

He was ready, and this--this was right. Kakashi raised his knife, aiming for the empty center in the red. Peace for all of them, and even himself, someone so unworthy of the blessing. Yes. This really was the only way.

Comments

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

Why indeed? It had been tested and proven that those who died from the madness were returned with clearer minds, but Loki had a three-strike policy he was loathe to watch tallied up against Kakashi so soon. It had started with the best of intentions. All of it had: every progressive mistake that had stacked a rising debt of guilt that would forever collect interest and compound upon itself, all of it had started with good intentions.

The best laid plans of mice and monsters, he supposed.

He said nothing but his hand tightened and moved, while his free palm smoothed lower to cup and roll Kakashi's balls tight, squeezing lightly to intensify it. Why...?

Because Itachi was a shell of a man now who had lived and died for the sake of another who would benefit nothing from his sacrifices and his love. Because his mercy and his desire to protect was toxic, and the hands he extended to help steeped in the blood of a thousand misgivings and lies that he'd painted under his nails, his eyelids, his conscience, and had glued his lips closed even now.

Because he felt he had no choice anymore. Because he understood a little too much what Kakashi meant, when he'd whispered that he was tired, so tired, because death was meant to bring him peace and instead it had taken him here, to forever burn as a ghost in the rafters, watching his brother suffer and die in the pain of the weights Itachi had borne all his life, that were not meant for Sasuke's frail shoulders.

"Quiet," he warned, his voice cold and toneless. His pulse beat like a metronome, his touch clinical, quiet quiet, he did this because he needed to.

He was no stranger to hatred. He would turn his cheek to Kakashi's, should it come, when it came. It was his penance. It was what he deserved. That was why.

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

Quiet had been the command, and though Kakashi knew Itachi meant to reveal nothing with that single word, it told him so, so much. And Kakashi needed that focus, terribly so, anything to take his mind away from the warm hand on his length, fingers wrapped around him and moving, manipulating his skin and his nerves, and god it felt good.

No, Kakashi needed that word, a lone syllable to pick apart even as his body tightened, muscles drawn and greedily seeking more. His mind worked against it, analyzing the void tone. A person with lesser awareness or determination might have taken the nothingness at it's face, believe that the empty nature spoke of no answer, of confusion. A ninja, however, knew to seek the truth underneath.

"You still think--" Here his breath hitched, kept back by sheer will if only to stop a single moan. How pathetic was he really, to be so vulnerable to a touch? "You want to use me." And he laughed at that, low and bitter, amazed that Itachi could somehow see that much value in the man so exposed before him.

For what purpose? How Itachi failed to see that his intent would again fail remained beyond Kakashi's understanding. He couldn't save anyone, not even himself. How easy it had been for Itachi to bind him this way, helpless and prone, and he still had faith!

He should have laughed again. Would have, but when Kakashi parted his lips, he could do little more but whisper a pleasured groan.

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

He still thought. Itachi thought too much, and his wants were secondary to Sasuke's needs. He repressed, dismissed, ignored them until they spiked unexpectedly to the surface at the worst possible time and made him do monumentally imbecilic things. If he hadn't poked Sasuke's forehead and spoken to him as a brother at the end, would he have turned from Madara and dismissed his revelations as the mutterings of a madman?

Better that Sasuke forever believed in Itachi's hatred, rather than letting the oil of his love slick Sasuke's wings to ground him before he had a chance to fly.

Better to be hated, the anathema of his clan, let them strengthen that revulsion and nurture it so his failures wouldn't become theirs, so they could spring-board from his descent and escape the darkness before it swallowed them as it did Itachi. Kakashi needed to rediscover that hatred as well, it would be so much better for the man to strip away guilt and regret and replace it with the fires of anger and righteous scorn. Better to be hated, better to have no wants of his own, if he'd only, if he'd only, if he'd only --

(But the very nature of repression meant those desires rose at the worst possible time and made him do monumentally imbecilic things.)

It hurt to breathe, and it hurt worse to listen to this. He closed his eyes to rob himself of sight, but Kakashi's words and the slick obscene noises of his hand gliding over hard, moistening flesh were picking up speed. And all that loathing, that grief (SasukeSasukeSasukewhy), that emptiness moved him to silence the man.

He could have, should have, tightened his genjutsu and tweaked it to rob Kakashi of a voice, but instead Itachi's mouth slanted over Kakashi's forcefully, biting its way inside to lick and steal his words with bruising force. He tasted like a bruise, ripe and purple and sore.

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

There were no words, from either man: Itachi chose his silence, but Kakashi had been forced, clenching his teeth to hold back whimpers for the sake of his pride (and wasn't that just laughable for such a fool), to fight off the sensation, greedily pushing out from where Itachi works, through his gut and beyond. He'd be overwhelmed, devoured by it, because Kakashi remained human, and he wanted to succumb to the pleasure on the basest of levels.

But even amid all that, pushed so close to the brink that it hurt, the shock still registered as he felt Itachi's mouth on his own. Why, again why? The thoughts could only be half-formed, however, questions falling second to tongue and teeth, to what Kakashi convinced himself counted as a struggle against that invasion. The sense of rebellion remained, yes, losing but lingering, always that hypocritical pride he held as a ninja. Even as he red flooded his sightless eyes, as his blood pounded in his ears, so long as he had thought, Kakashi clung to the smallest scraps of pride.

His fall was far from gentle, however, Kakashi's hips moving in arhythmic thrusts, desperate, betraying every good intention for that promised moment. He couldn't scream his want, his pleasure and his pain all swallowed by Itachi's kiss. Such a different agony from what had shattered his soul in the Tsukyomi, a beautiful, addictive bliss that provided Kakashi something like what he'd been seeing. In that moment when he finally came, cock throbbing into Itachi's palm, there existed nothing beyond that amazing sense. No guilt or self-loathing, no failure of friends.

Sweet release indeed.

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

Kakashi's cries vibrated in his mouth and his breath broke the kiss into frantic bites and shaky gulps for air. The smell of Kakashi's arousal intensified in the air and earned a ragged gasp of his own, before his mouth pulled away abruptly, leaving Kakashi's damp lips exposed to the shadows. Warm callouses slicked a few more times, brusquely up and down, then disappeared from Kakashi's softening cock in a flicker of dispassionate movement.

That same hand rose, the smell acute where it brushed past the mans cheek in its ascent. Itachi gripped the kunai and pulled once, hard, forcing the blade from stone with a chink sound and a spray of grit. The tension left Kakashi's makeshift bonds, sending his headband unraveling in loose loops and freeing hands gone ash-white with blood deprivation.

If he fell, Itachi wouldn't catch him. Already the illusion he'd snared the man in was tattering away, the darkness dispersing in the beating of a thousand invisible wings. Itachi fully planned to leave along with it. He smeared his palm down the wall and turned away without a word.

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

Kakashi did indeed stumble, his balance disrupted by the force of his climax, and the sudden rush on his senses. Sight staved off by closed eyes, the throbbing pain of blood flowing freely through his vessels, the sharp scent of himself on Itachi's fingers all overwhelmed, his knees taking the brunt of impact, his palms following

Yet even as he sat there prone and gasping, clarity returned to Kakashi's mind. What he had attempted to do, the revelations that he had so carelessly spilled out called to a deeper sense: his morality, no longer twisted and stained by sleepless nightsand past-lived visions. The desire to save his comrades trumped all, and even naked and shamed, Kakashi reached for the vanishing edge of Itachi's cloak.

"Wait." His recovery, at least, benefited from years as a ninja, where being ready to fight in any condition remained a requirement for continued living. He curled the fabric around his fingers, even knowing Itachi could free himself with a single harsh yank. But he wouldn't, thanks to the strike of Kakashi's words; he'd aimed for Itachi's truest weakness and landed a perfect hit. And now, naked and kneeling on the ground, Kakashi knew he had to attend to Itachi's wounds first. Shame was secondary, a selfish pursuit set aside for a greater good.

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

No, Itachi wouldn't pull himself free; he was snared by a passive restriction of cruel words and hopelessness so deep he sought only an isolation, a security in distance from this man, from all of them, he needed to regain composure that wouldn't be found here. His face averted, he stilled and balled his hands into loose fists at his sides, then forcefully relaxed them again.

Mere feet from the doorway he found himself unable to walk through. How pathetic he was, to be trapped so easily. A few words and a touch, the scent of Kakashi ground into his palm and embedded beneath his nails so deep he'd need bleach to remove it, the clinical and detached part of his mind murmured that it was senseless. Step free, remove yourself, end this, leave -

The rest was too numb and shaken to listen. "What more do you want from me," he demanded hoarsely, disgusted with himself, at the plea in words meant to be a demand. "Release me."

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

"You know I can't." Itachi and he were too alike in those self-sacrificial aspects of their being, and Itachi's self-loathing ran deeper, or so Kakashi suspected. If he let Itachi simply leave, the man would truly vanish from all their sights. Bad enough that Kakashi had isolated himself, but Itachi's actions had so far been rational. His own lesson still smoldering where it had branded his memories, Kakashi could only guess at how easily Itachi would fall victim to the insanity without hope to keep it at bay.

"I wish I could say none of it was true, but we both know better." Words would serve as adequate bondage now, and Kakashi let Itachi's cloak fall free. His wrists still ached, and Kakashi inspected the marks left by his own headband before turning his attention to his pants. "But that's in our world, and none of us are there anymore. Including Sasuke."

One wary eye watched Itachi's back as Kakashi dressed his lower half; despite the Sharingan being closed, he remained ready to react. "Sasuke has no more wish to start a war here than either of us. He can still be saved, Itachi."

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

He felt light-headed and shaken, and while he heard the distant echo of Kakashi's words, none seemed to permeate the thick fog he'd wrapped himself in to process it. The knowledge constricted his chest and thrummed through his blood like a hemotoxin, leaving him twitchy and dizzy and churned his stomach to frothing pains. Sasuke, Sasuke would die and Naruto would do nothing to prevent it, nothing to pull him from the darkness and guide his light to safety, Naruto would die with him, it kept spinning through his mind over and over like a shout ringing in his ears. It was all he could hear.

Revealing his back to a dangerous man, even one who'd once been an ally and whose life he'd just saved, was a fool's folly. And yet, with his blank eyes staring blindly down at nothing and his face shielded by hair strewn loose of its tie, he almost hoped Kakashi would betray him. He would welcome the burn of a blade plunging into his back; who less deserving of a brutal end than himself? He'd failed his brother so wholly each breath felt like a fresh insult all on its own.

"Your sanity has you spinning kind lies," he whispered wearily. "Spare me. You don't need to explain it away, it's as I said before. I understand."

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

A long sigh passed between Kakashi's lips; the man recognized the reversal of their situations, and Itachi would find no more relief from his former partner than Kakashi had. The rest of his clothing remained temporarily forgotten, even his characteristic mask losing against the urgency of the new situation.

"No lies. I have more respect for you than that." Pretty words, no matter how well-chosen, would be brushed away like stray sand without a genuine foundation. "Even Naruto, who was ready to die so Sasuke would finally be free of his hate, recognized that it would be meaningless to do so here. Whatever would have happened back home got circumvented. Now, we're all getting chances we never thought we'd have."

Itachi had to recognize that truth evn more strongly than Kakashi: though he may not see his new life as such, Itachi here had opportunity to live on and effect real change in his brother. Just like Obito, who could now see his own future for himself. "I'm not saying either of us deserve it. But don't throw this opportunity away, Itachi. You just stopped me from doing the same thing."

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

Respect..? It was that, more than the well-intended reassurances that cracked past the hardening shroud of his pain and forced his eyes up in surprise. His mouth still tingled with the heat of Kakashi's breath and needling negativity. Being jarringly parried just moments later with optimism drew his face to turn just enough to squint, and frown with a tightening around his eyes and little else. Chances and opportunities were wasted on men like himself, who squandered such gifts and spent them instead on others with little regard for their own life.

Having to justify his existence now without Sasuke, knowing he'd done nothing that wasn't twisted perversely to worsen Sasuke's life rather than enhance it -

it was an impossible task. He didn't know where to begin. Optimism wasn't something he'd ever dared to feel. Why had he come after Kakashi, knowing what needed to be done to save him? Why hadn't he walked away when it was shown as insignificant? It was questions he had no answers to. He didn't dare analyze it.

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

Those widening eyes betrayed much, and Kakashi understood why Itachi would be shocked. He'd been the traitor, after all, the killer of clan and kin for so many years. Kakashi had tried to kill him, and (on the surface) Itachi had done the same, shattering Kakashi's soul and putting him into a coma. Where in their history did respect have room to grow?

"Your reasons were noble ones. Whatever your actions." Just as Kakashi learned with Gai so many years ago, sometimes the sacrifices could only be justified in those reasons. For the dream of peace, Itachi did the unthinkable, as a ninja and a tool to be wielded by their village. "I can't begin to imagine everything you've lost, Itachi, but it doesn't have to be meaningless. You still have a purpose, and an influence--just like I do." And in turn, Kakashi would stop the Uchiha if he tried something so idiotic as Kakashi had.

Although in the reversal, Kakashi wouldn't have so simple of a time; he fought against his own thoughts, the fresh memories of Itachi's hand on his body, their mouths locked together. Turning red-faced would undermine his position, make him unable to look Itachi in the eye. No, Kakashi would think on those things later, unwillingly pick apart each action like his mind threatened to do now. The role he played now remained far too important for childish distraction.

"You are alive. And so long as you stay that way, even if Madara arrives, you can keep Sasuke from falling back under his influence."

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

If Madara arrived, what would happen to this timid peace? It had been stitched together with careful talks and a fragile hand-waving of politics, but Madara would not be so willing to maintain that same neutrality. The thought chilled him. Would Sasuke heed his warnings now, with the resentment he felt from heeding it before? They would have to speak on it, when he felt less like snarling.

Kakashi's face was too expressive. He often wondered if that was why the man chose to hide it away, and watching his lips move while still bruised red and wet from his own. (He'd never thought of any man as 'handsome,' and it bewildered him when he caught himself doing it now.

Ridiculous.)

Hopefully his own revealed nothing. He could kill without batting an eyelash but something as primitive and crude as sex made him hesitate, unnerved him, stripped his masks away to the bone-white ceramic. If it was enough to have him pausing to listen to ... this, was it why Kakashi felt free to speak it? "One can hope we won't be put in the position to find out first-hand."

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

"One can hope, and that's a good thing" Kakashi bowed his head in a small nod, then favored Itachi with a grin, for once not hidden behind a dark layer of fabric. "But we both know preparation goes a great deal farther than hope." Despite their best laid plans going horribly awry to date, Kakashi needed Itachi to believe that they weren't truly powerless, as much as he needed to believe it himself.

Had the issue been resolved? Kakashi glanced away from the weight of Itachi's eyes on him, looking at the pile of his clothes. "If you hadn't been here, I'd be dead." The others had likely noticed his absence, attributing it to Kakashi's chronic lateness and tendency to keep his personal matters private. He'd worked hard to develop the mask, and before Vegas, his students had no reason to think anything different lay beneath.

And speaking of masks, Kakashi raised his eyebrows in sudden realization. "Ah, that's right. This is the first time you've seen my face." Otherwise useless trivia that explained the odd way Itachi watched him now. The excuse satisfied Kakashi, though he unconsciously ran the tip of his tongue over his lips. Was it normal to be thirsty after such...activities?

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

His composure was in shambles, but not enough to allow him more than a small shake of the head. No, he'd never seen Kakashi without his masks. It was part of the mans persona that Itachi had silently queried but never openly asked about, and Kakashi kept close to the vest. They all had their secrets. (It was still a novelty to have Kakashi gaze at him without killing intent or bitterness. A bare face only meant Itachi stared too fixedly, where before he'd have cast his gaze away quickly or -- remembered to blink.)

He finally did remove his eyes, annoyed, when Kakashi wet his lips.

Loki forced them to seek companionship or die; were it otherwise, he'd have run to the desert and masked himself better. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise in its cruelty. His arms folded loosely, shoulders bowing in.

"I spent my life in preparation. I'm not used to," he dropped off for a moment and his frown deepened, then turned ironic.

"I'm not used to this."

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

"And you think I am?" Talk of the topic, the this that thickened the air around them despite going unnamed finally brought the idea of what Itachi had done to the forefront of his mind. Kakashi tried to play it off, but he'd never been so good when it came to that area. Even reading Tactics aloud had pushed the limits of his comfort zone. Standing in front of Itachi now, replaying everything that had been done to him, that he had done, Kakashi became fairly certain he might never be able to look Itachi in the eye again.

At least the other man had turned away first. Kakashi found some small comfort in the fact that both of them felt uneasy with the matter.

"I'd never done anything like that before. Including the kiss." Had never allowed himself such a connection with another person after his unforgivable actions regarding Obito and Rin. Yet in this new city, sexual acts stood as a requirement for survival. The experience of insanity definitely held potential for easing even Kakashi's reluctance in the future.

"But, still. Thanks. You saved my life." Because the awkwardness pressed down too heavily for his tastes, and Kakashi wanted to move past it. He wanted to think of something other than how Itachi felt on his skin, how the man tasted on his lips--and there his mind went again, unbidden, leaving Kakashi's cheeks stained red. Why hadn't he put on his mask first?

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

That ... wasn't what he'd meant, but it certainly snapped him out of his dark mood and into a sudden shock that allowed no room for anything else. Astonished, he blinked and watched Kakashi's face heat up while he tried to pick apart and analyze the mans words. As far as kissing went he could understand with Kakashi's fixation on masks, but he couldn't fathom how, from what he'd thought he knew of the man, Kakashi could be a virgin.

Assuming he'd meant with men, Itachi dipped his chin and finally turned to go with a less dismal air to him than before. His mind was spinning again, wheels turning in a confused grind he couldn't put a name to. There were no words to describe how this was affecting him, but more concerning for him was the fact it was affecting him at all.

"Return soon, or the others may reach the same conclusions I did and come searching." The corner of his mouth lifted, half-hidden. "They may not take no for an answer. Madness takes many forms, and denying it isn't uncommon."

[lostonlifesroad.livejournal.com]

Itachi's sudden surprise led Kakashi to wonder if he hadn't made a mistake about the other man's words. Itachi had always been difficult to read on a good day. Kakashi's embarassment over the whole matter, along with the fatigue finally catching up with him, made it likely that had been the case. While it wasn't hard to guess he'd been talking about Sasuke, however, something good had come from the faulty assumption: Itachi started mocking him.

Clearly, his mood had improved, even if the effect lasted temporarily.

"Ugh. I like my students, but I really would prefer them not groping me." Bad enough Itachi had been forced to, at least where Kakashi's ego had been concerned. If pressed the jounin had to admit, even to himself, that the experience had its pleasurable aspects; he just wouldn't say any such thing out loud.

"You could let me get dressed first." Itachi intended to leave him to his own devices, but Kakashi still had reason to be concerned. He wanted to be sure Itachi wouldn't run off into solitude, consumed by the information Kakashi so carelessly let free. "If you're with me, they might believe things have been resolved.

"Unless," Kakashi's words were broken by an audible yawn, and he took the opportunity to slide his mask back over his face. "Your time is up as well?" He tried to sound casual, but the proposition had his cheeks burning under the cloth. In basic terms, he'd merely be returning the favor; giving first aid, in a sense. Considered in that manner, Kakashi had no reason to want to vanish from the face of the earth.

[pinwheeleyes.livejournal.com]

Itachi was certain he'd get mental whiplash if Kakashi kept this up. Alarm garotted surprise and then slipped and fell to drown in a puddle of confused hesitance. "They would believe it just as readily either way," he tilted his chin and lifted hands that still smelled strongly of Kakashi to form a few seals.

He paused on the last one and bowed his head respectfully, his gaze still fixed on what little of Kakashi's face he could still see. "My time reset with yours. Loki's terms are ambiguous in that regard, both parties aren't required to ..."

His voice trailing, he quirked a brow. "Finish."

A flick of his fingers had the shadows swirling in to collect him away, smearing like an oil painting in the flutter and pulse of feathers and illusionary motion. When the breeze died down Itachi was gone, presumably back to the Bellagio. He needed some time to pore over what he'd learned, what he'd done, before he could comfortably speak on 'this.' In time.