lostonlifesroad | (no subject)

Characters: Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Itachi
Status: Closed
Summary: Kakashi waited too long, concerning himself with everyone else, but not his own well-being. Now too many sleepless nights have added up, and Itachi's about to find him on the brink.
Location: Deep in the ruins.
Warnings: NC-17. Will update as necessary with specifics.

Drip. Drip.

The smallest sound, yet it echoed in Kakashi's mind like a scream. The cries of the dead, the blood slowly creeping across his kunai. All accused him, rightfully so, pointed out his failure to protect the village and the people he loved, because in the end, even being trash could only be an aspiration. Kakashi had heard them over the past days and nights, whispering over the words of the ninja, then more, until they'd turned to flesh, solid and whole (except for the pieces their enemies had ripped away), and undeniable.

He couldn't deny them. He wouldn't dare.

Everything had come to this, pressed impossibly heavy on Kakashi's shoulders, whipping his back until he had fled (and he was good at that, oh yes, running from the comrades he should have tried to save,) into the ruins, into solitude away from the people who weren't born of his guilt, but still punished by his actions, his failures. Oh, some traces of his rational mind remained, just enough to recognize the illusions as thus, but that only made it worse. Because Kakashi had been warned of the insanity, and still, he neglected it, covered time with a veil of good intentions until he couldn't look any of his friends in the face without seeing blood and gore, brains leaking from cracked skulls, broken jaws struggling to demand answers.

Why, Kakashi? Why did you let this happen?

But now he sat alone, lost within decaying buildings and his own thoughts. Even the phantoms had fled, but not before giving him a task. Penance, that had been their word. Penance and prevention, because how could someone washed in as much blood as Kakashi truly be qualified to lead? How can you be Hokage if you can't even save one friend? Naruto's words, sharp as a knife planted through his heart and twisted, turned and Kakashi only gasped, keeping the agony in. Death would save them. His death, to save everyone Kakashi loved from another mistake, a bad choice, scum lower than scum. His fingers trembled as they worked away the soaked cloth from over his left eye--Obito's eye, weeping for the meaninglessness of the sacrifice. Yet the kunai, that he held steady, for in his mind he could already see and already hear the blood soaking it, steadily dripping to the ground in a final apology.

He was ready, and this--this was right. Kakashi raised his knife, aiming for the empty center in the red. Peace for all of them, and even himself, someone so unworthy of the blessing. Yes. This really was the only way.

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His composure was in shambles, but not enough to allow him more than a small shake of the head. No, he'd never seen Kakashi without his masks. It was part of the mans persona that Itachi had silently queried but never openly asked about, and Kakashi kept close to the vest. They all had their secrets. (It was still a novelty to have Kakashi gaze at him without killing intent or bitterness. A bare face only meant Itachi stared too fixedly, where before he'd have cast his gaze away quickly or -- remembered to blink.)

He finally did remove his eyes, annoyed, when Kakashi wet his lips.

Loki forced them to seek companionship or die; were it otherwise, he'd have run to the desert and masked himself better. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise in its cruelty. His arms folded loosely, shoulders bowing in.

"I spent my life in preparation. I'm not used to," he dropped off for a moment and his frown deepened, then turned ironic.

"I'm not used to this."

"And you think I am?" Talk of the topic, the this that thickened the air around them despite going unnamed finally brought the idea of what Itachi had done to the forefront of his mind. Kakashi tried to play it off, but he'd never been so good when it came to that area. Even reading Tactics aloud had pushed the limits of his comfort zone. Standing in front of Itachi now, replaying everything that had been done to him, that he had done, Kakashi became fairly certain he might never be able to look Itachi in the eye again.

At least the other man had turned away first. Kakashi found some small comfort in the fact that both of them felt uneasy with the matter.

"I'd never done anything like that before. Including the kiss." Had never allowed himself such a connection with another person after his unforgivable actions regarding Obito and Rin. Yet in this new city, sexual acts stood as a requirement for survival. The experience of insanity definitely held potential for easing even Kakashi's reluctance in the future.

"But, still. Thanks. You saved my life." Because the awkwardness pressed down too heavily for his tastes, and Kakashi wanted to move past it. He wanted to think of something other than how Itachi felt on his skin, how the man tasted on his lips--and there his mind went again, unbidden, leaving Kakashi's cheeks stained red. Why hadn't he put on his mask first?

That ... wasn't what he'd meant, but it certainly snapped him out of his dark mood and into a sudden shock that allowed no room for anything else. Astonished, he blinked and watched Kakashi's face heat up while he tried to pick apart and analyze the mans words. As far as kissing went he could understand with Kakashi's fixation on masks, but he couldn't fathom how, from what he'd thought he knew of the man, Kakashi could be a virgin.

Assuming he'd meant with men, Itachi dipped his chin and finally turned to go with a less dismal air to him than before. His mind was spinning again, wheels turning in a confused grind he couldn't put a name to. There were no words to describe how this was affecting him, but more concerning for him was the fact it was affecting him at all.

"Return soon, or the others may reach the same conclusions I did and come searching." The corner of his mouth lifted, half-hidden. "They may not take no for an answer. Madness takes many forms, and denying it isn't uncommon."

Edited 2010-10-11 02:12 (UTC)

Itachi's sudden surprise led Kakashi to wonder if he hadn't made a mistake about the other man's words. Itachi had always been difficult to read on a good day. Kakashi's embarassment over the whole matter, along with the fatigue finally catching up with him, made it likely that had been the case. While it wasn't hard to guess he'd been talking about Sasuke, however, something good had come from the faulty assumption: Itachi started mocking him.

Clearly, his mood had improved, even if the effect lasted temporarily.

"Ugh. I like my students, but I really would prefer them not groping me." Bad enough Itachi had been forced to, at least where Kakashi's ego had been concerned. If pressed the jounin had to admit, even to himself, that the experience had its pleasurable aspects; he just wouldn't say any such thing out loud.

"You could let me get dressed first." Itachi intended to leave him to his own devices, but Kakashi still had reason to be concerned. He wanted to be sure Itachi wouldn't run off into solitude, consumed by the information Kakashi so carelessly let free. "If you're with me, they might believe things have been resolved.

"Unless," Kakashi's words were broken by an audible yawn, and he took the opportunity to slide his mask back over his face. "Your time is up as well?" He tried to sound casual, but the proposition had his cheeks burning under the cloth. In basic terms, he'd merely be returning the favor; giving first aid, in a sense. Considered in that manner, Kakashi had no reason to want to vanish from the face of the earth.

Itachi was certain he'd get mental whiplash if Kakashi kept this up. Alarm garotted surprise and then slipped and fell to drown in a puddle of confused hesitance. "They would believe it just as readily either way," he tilted his chin and lifted hands that still smelled strongly of Kakashi to form a few seals.

He paused on the last one and bowed his head respectfully, his gaze still fixed on what little of Kakashi's face he could still see. "My time reset with yours. Loki's terms are ambiguous in that regard, both parties aren't required to ..."

His voice trailing, he quirked a brow. "Finish."

A flick of his fingers had the shadows swirling in to collect him away, smearing like an oil painting in the flutter and pulse of feathers and illusionary motion. When the breeze died down Itachi was gone, presumably back to the Bellagio. He needed some time to pore over what he'd learned, what he'd done, before he could comfortably speak on 'this.' In time.